Home.

If there's one thing I know, one immovable fact that I base my world on...

It is that I know where I belong.

I learned how to carry on.

D'abord, j'ai eu peur,
Et puis je me suis habituée
Comment pourrais-je vivre encore sans toi à mes cotés ?
Depuis j'ai passé tant de nuits à me dire que t'avais tort à t'en vouloir
Et puis je me suis habituée
Et tu reviens, si sûr de toi
Avec ce regard qui se teint et des mots stupides et tristes
J'aurais dû changer la serrure ou juste reprendre la clé
Si j'avais pu imaginer que tu reviendrais me troubler
sors de ma vie
ne reviens plus
Car désormais tu le sais tu n'est plus le bienvenu
J'ai trop pleuré j'ai envie de vivre aujourd'hui de t'oublier
Et tant que je serai aimée
je survivrai
je survivrai
J'ai tellement sur terre de choses à faire que je préfère te dire
N'essaie pas de m'attendrir
Non n'essaie pas de revenir
je survivrai
je survivrai
Sans toi
Et ne cherche pas à tout prix à te justifier
Ni à recoller les morceaux, tu n'y arriverais pas
Je me suis souvent sentie seule et je suis une autre déjà
J'ai bien changé tu ne me reconnaîtrais pas
je ne suis plus comme autrefois
Je ne suis plus la fille autant amoureuse de toi
Tu crois sans doute qu'un seul soupir suffit pour que tu me reprenne
Mais je garde mon amour aujourd'hui pour celui qui m'aime
Sors de ma vie
ne reviens plus
Car désormais tu le sais tu n'est plus le bienvenu
J'ai trop pleuré j'ai envie de rire aujourd'hui de t'oublier
Et tant que je serai aimée
je survivrai
je survivrai
J'ai tellement sur terre de choses à faire que je préfère te dire
N'essaie pas de m'attendrir
Non n'essaie pas de revenir
je survivrai
I will survive
sors de ma vie
ne reviens plus
Car désormais tu le sais tu n'est plus le bienvenu
J'ai trop pleuré j'ai envie de rire aujourd'hui
de t'oublier
Et tant que je serai aimée
je survivrai
Sans toi

Insomnia. (Redux)

I wax lyrical the moment I can't get enough sleep. I guess it's the only time I find to unburden my thoughts, when the day is done and the night is silent around me, settling in a comfortable blanket of solitude.

I ran my IPPT earlier today, surprisingly coming in with a better than expected result. Perhaps the work of some higher being, but I'd like to think I worked my ass off for it. There we go, no more RT... for now.

Recently i've ran into a close encounter with some existential angst, following the departure of a few wonderful Honky friends whom I had met in Edinburgh. Their coming heralded a new age of fun and laughter, joy and friendship. And a side of me that I hadn't seen for almost 2 months. I didn't do that much. Just played myself as a good host and brought them around to my favourite places, ate my favourite foods, talked as much (or as little) as I knew about Singapore's history.

But I don't know why. I have never felt this carefree and footloose for a long long time. It's almost as if since I touched down in my homeland, the weight and cares of my life has resettled around me like a leaden cloak, dragging my shoulders down, keeping my head firmly set on putting one foot in front of another in unerring rhythm.

Don't get me wrong, I love my job. I like the people, I enjoy the job. But something is missing. I'm not sure if it's the people I had with me on exchange that triggered this metamorphosis of boring serious Luke into fun and playful Luke (yes, even I can tell when I'm boring), or it's the situation of where I'm working.

I liked it when I was more fun. I thought I was more interesting then.

It might just be some inner mindgame... Or is it just that different people bring out different things in me?

A dearth of freedom in the air.

As far as I can make it, the supposition of a free wireless at many places of transit seems to be a blatant lie. It seems as if every possible service provider is falling over themselves to provide a way to siphon more money from the undiscerning public.

Of which I am unashamedly one. From personal observation (and the critical comments of others, I must add) I realise that I have two weaknesses on the move - A severe coke addiction and a craving for the surrounding banality of the internet.

The first is a simple physical need - As I have explained to many, coke is the ultimate travelling tool. It's sugar, caffeine, and water all rolled into one package. Staves off hunger, depression, thirst, and it doesn't taste half bad, even when warm. It's hell for your teeth, but on the road, some things have to go. (Apologies to Ed, you will have a bitch of a time with my teeth.)

The second stems from the inherent call of the world - the need for information saturation, and the craving for the ease of having the knowledge of the planet at your beck and call, to answer to your every whim. Feel like checking out whats up with Michael Jackson's estate? Wondering about the new H1N1 count in Singapore? Have a sudden urge to watch Ozzy Osbourne's Crazy Train? The internet is the perfect complement to the ADD-led minds of today's generation. I've recently re-discovered the power of youtube - It's a visual google. There are a hundred and one explanations on how things are done, in thousands of messageboards and websites on the net. But as with many other things, some people learn better visually, and who better to teach than the hundreds of attention seeking demonstrators on youtube? I've found everything from how to change a floyd rose tremolo system, to dancing basic tango, to learning how to drop kick like William Shatner. Well, effectiveness could be debated. But it is entertaining, and some of the demonstrators are rather amusing.

Debating the extent of my addiction is difficult. I think i've paid a total of abt 50 sgd for 24 hours of internet access over 2 different airports in less than 12 hours. I know, i'm terrible. But as of now, I've got 7 hours more of dead time waiting to check in for my final flight out of London to Singapore, and I'm rather determined to keep my mind active and my wits about, all for the better to crash on the plane on the way back. It's 3am here, but about 9am in SG. All the better to shock my body clock back into sync with local time. As most of you know, I'm hitting the ground running, not much time to spare. Even the quarantine for those coming back from H1N1 countries was lifted, so there goes my 7 days of relaxation.

Well, the end of my exchange stint is rapidly approaching. I know I've been lacking in updates for the blog, but I'd developed a writing system over my exchange months. I've actually filled a small notebook cover to cover (single sided), and am currently happily writing on the back of the other side. It's actually quite rewarding to see it fill up with random observations, recording of travelling sights and events. I'll probably flesh it out with photos and some post-travelling comments when I get back (and if I have enough time.) Would I bother mass-producing it to give/sell to others? I don't know. I'll see how it goes.

Wherever you're going, i'm going your way.

One example why life is unfair - A voice that enchanting belongs to a face just as beautiful.

The hardest words are the seven letter ones.

It felt different, this time I stepped out of my room. Looking back, it was bare, stripped of its essence. The remnants of my past life these 5 months lay about in dribs and drabs, trailing a path of frantic packing over a night of musicals, whiskey and conversations.

I was leaving a hall, but yet it was different. In NUS (I'm not ashamed to say it) I was happy to leave. While I was rather active in hall, the activities were forced, and the people there I didn't quite clique with. Nevertheless, I made a few friends in my stay, although much more acquaintance. And besides, visiting Temasek was always a stone's throw away. Maybe that's why I never really went back?

I was leaving my room for a trip, but yet it was different. I stepped out of that little room in Pollock many times over the last few months, letting a few day's worth of dust settle before returning to its musty, homely splendour. It became so easy, I would barely start packing until hours before I was scheduled to leave. But each time I left, I knew it was only temporarily. A temporal distortion, taking me away for the moment, but only to return.

I was leaving my life in Edinburgh behind. A short life, but a very eventful one. In the last 5 months, I have made friends that I know I may not see again for the rest of my life. And that really sucks. When you're out there half a world away (or even 2 nations away) from home, every human contact and friendship counts. And you hold on a lot harder to people than you normally do. That's just the way of things.

And in this short life, I was reborn. I left the cares of a "second-lower-striving-for-second-upper" behind, left my eternal worries about studying, my grades, my projects... It was a good feeling. A feeling of release, of ease, of relaxedness. Life became meaningful in the passing of a breeze. The feel of the wind against your cheek. The softness of the grass you lie on to enjoy the sun. The ephemeral taste of a Guinness as it slides down the throat. The sudden ringing of the phone when a friend calls to ask what you're doing. Suddenly there was more meaning in life, and more life in meaning for me.

But all good things come to an end, and it was time to part. I will always feel that my departure from Edinburgh was a rushed affair, a ceasarian rip that tore me from the womb that nurtured me the last 5 months.

Barely 24 hours after my last paper, I left the city.

Knowing that the next time I come back, I won't call this home.

Knowing that the next time I come back, my friends will all haved moved on and gone.

Goodbye Edinburgh. Goodbye.

Writing...

There's a certain satisfaction in writing long emails and blogs. For me its been more of the former than the latter since I arrived in the fair city of Edinburgh. I think its a lost art. The ability to put pen to paper (or finger to keyboard) and to write sincerely, from the heart, and to let others know about how you're doing.

I think I'm one of those who derive great pleasure from writing. It used to be fiction - I remember loving the freeform composition writing I did in secondary school. Now apparently I get a kick out of talking about my travel experience, writing in a somewhat off-putting mildly disjointed way - But i guess that's the way I'm thinking at the moment. Free-Association mental workings.

I think, well, I'm quite sure I will write a book on my travel experiences. Probably a photo-book kind of thing, with my notes supplementing my favourite photos from my 6 months here. So I have a one man market, but are there any more out there who would buy it?

Isn't it a wonder.

It's snowing outside.

It's beautiful.

It's magical.

A soft white down, covering the land like a silky negligee, hiding the colours, the sound, the light.

Falling ephemerally, like dust in the wind.

The trees bare their upturned branches, stretching out like hands to receive the bounty of frost.

And all is quiet.

I hope i never lose my sense of wonder.

For if I do, I will never be as awestruck by such simple feats of nature.

Life is beautiful.

And on the 5th day, God Gave me a Rainbow.

The biggest, fattest, most well defined rainbow I have ever seen in my life. If there was a Ms Rainbow Universe 2009, this clinches the top prize.

I love studying in a foreign country. If there's one thing I can say now, is that everyday brings a new and unique experience.  The morning was dark and gloomy as I made my way down to the King's Buildings, where the science and engineering students work. But as I left my first class of the semester, I was pleasantly suprised to see a shiny day, chasing the clouds away.

Now isn't it a lovely day to be out?

Stimulation is a terrible thing.

With the date of my departure fast approaching, I find that time is fleeting...... Minutes flit by like so many buzzing insects, whirring past the stream of consciousness. It takes a great deal of effort to contemplate each moment as a seperate entity, denying the endless agglomoration of time, sectioning the hours into coherent units.

It's aided less still by new sources of endless entertainment - 10 seasons of F.R.I.E.N.D.S, a few thousand readily available episodes of Naruto and Bleach, as well as the siren call of a bed that I won't see for 6 months. Attempts at regaining traction in my usual social life has encountered, well, lets just say a few oil slicks. Still, it's a futile attempt, for in less than a week I will again be wrenched from the familar comforts of mundanity and whisked to - let's face it, a really really cold place.

Which is not necessarily bad. It's cool. (snort snort.) It's making sure that everything falls in order so that the transition is smooth that bothers me. It would seriously annoy me if I missed something and have the transition interrupted. Bah. Only time will tell.

Musing - If Schadenfraude is a word that means pleasure at the misfortune of others, what's the word that means pleasure at the happiness of others?

She looks so happy. :)

And it was really nice to see the entire gang (well almost the entire gang) together last night. It's been a while since I saw most of them, and its the first time we got together all the couples. Very sweet. Very nice. Let's hope this team sticks together for the long run.

You guys rock my world. :) (I'm gonna miss you all.)

It's a game of give and take.

Decadence.

Blissful, sweet, release.

I had never felt so relieved that my papers are over. For some reason, this semester seemed to hold a lot more intensity for me than usual. Perhaps I felt that I had put in much more effort this semester? Hopefully the results show it.

Following the anticlimatic ending of my last paper, the past few days have been a total rush. It's as if all the pent up energy from studying too hard had suddenly found a release. Wednesday I went zapping to Golden Mile with LeeLi, helping the two of them find backpacks. Didn't get anything in the end, but had a good idea of what they were looking for. That was followed by a bout of palatory orgasmic debauchery, butchering a platter of Sup Tulang, licking the flesh off it's bones and sucking every single dribble of the salacious marrow, filling me with its spongy osteoform goodness. Washing it down with a glass of refreshing sugar cane, we then proceeded to embark on a mission to conquer new bowls of Ah Balling....... which we devoured with relish. And then came the classic grass jelly in the classic bowl (which turned out to be plastic since they were going to close for the day.) But still, tasty herbal goodness. Aaaaah. Satiated, I returned to another bout of tossing people around in SWTFU, but ended up getting sidetracked on my brother's bed, watching him and Jerry go EXTREEEEEME in Gears of War 2. I need to learn to ass-kick like that. Khai and Ivan was asking me out, but lethargy got the better of my, and I succumbed to sweet slumber soon after.

Thursday went by a little more frenetically. Woke up at just past the crack of dawn (adjusting back to normal life), and decided that lying in bed was too sinful for a day such as this, so i went on to Operation Nuclear Disarmanent - Or How i Learned that A Clean Table is Actually Possible. It's still in progress, hopefully it'll be done before North Korea is. (ka-ching) Leaving the job halfway, I headed down to town, armed with some vouchers to pick up certain apparel for next year. Saw Cheryl on a lift, but couldn't drop by to say hi (and she looked rather occupied), and had to rush off for the Chemgineers Meeting. It ended up being not too bad, it seemed like most of us were having fun (including Pam, suprisingly.) Ivan was rather stoned from the night before, though. And I found myself with a vicious hunger for a new game, Zombies!!! (yes, three exclamation marks.) Leaving the cafe, we headed down for a few drinks, where Herman and Joshua provided ample topics for conversation. (They are seriously noisy bastards.) Had a Leffe Blonde, which didn't disappoint. Too bad none of my SMUgger friends were around (GLARE.) Left when we realised that suddenly it was dark and about 7.30. It was rather suprising to find out I still enjoyed talking to a certain someone. Got home and.... went for supper with my bro, Keong and Jerry. Dropped them off at Keong's place for more EXTREEEEME action, and me and my bro headed back. Crashed and burned.

Friday was zomfgwtfbbq. Woke up, continued with Operation Nuclear Disarmanent - Then got distracted and bullied brudder to come with me to Paradigm Infinitum - aka Geekhaven. There, i was...... disturbed. The call of the Geek side was strong... but the horror... the horror... I confess, I gave in. I came in with intention to get Zombies!!!, which i did. But i also... got a membership. :( crap. Now I'm one of THEM. And a nice Battle for Black Reach set which I'm gonna share with Jon the Orky Bastard (who better pay me half... you ass.) Headed back to YCK to pickup Leeli and Rich, and left on an EPIC SHOPPING SPREE...... which spanned the breadth of Singapore and 3 different warehouse sales. Needless to say, I ended the day damn broke. But i guess i got what i needed. Picked up the other half of RichanMeiyan and headed for AMK Astons... which was satisfying too. Left them all to go home and went home to rest a while, before picking up brudder and KH. Came back for Zombie Night - Drinking Graveyards, Playing Zombies!!!, and watching Evil Dead II. Insane. I ended the night at 4am buzzed and high and convinced that Zombies!!! was the game to take the edge of a 30 hour train ride.

Woke the next morning to send my mom to dialysis, then returned to crash and burn on my bed... before kicking the other two buggers awake and going for EXTREEEEME breakfast.

Yeah man. Like 8 pratas a head extreme. More to be found on TSFT.

And thats enough decadence for a lifetime of debauchery for me. My god.

The Power of the Dark Side.

There is nothing as satisfying as throwing assorted random stormtroopers into the air, watching them flail helplessly, then tossing them against the nearest bulkhead. And when one of them stands, groggily from the assault, sending arcs of twisted blue lightning to ground against him, watching him shudder with the spasms of pain racing through his body.

Aaaaaaaah. :)

Star Wars : The Force Unleashed is a terrific game. Most people who know me should know im terrible at gaming - But I LOVE the stories that go with it. SWTFU flows as a real story should - The fights are cinematic, the action is epic... and best of all, it's filled with the characters you know and love from the entire series.

The gameplay is fluid, with an exception being the mildly uncontrollable camera system. The fighting is fantastic, ranging from massive hordes of enemies to intense set piece battles against creatures 10 times your size, and gratuitious lightsaber action against other Jedi/Sith. Combos are easy to string together, and the variety of moves that you can perform with a few simple buttons is amazing. I have yet to truly delve into the more complex moves. Of course I realise in the end I end up zapping or throwing people around more than stabbing - but it's so fun!

The story is well crafted, filling in an essential gap between the first series and the prelude series. Needless to say, it melds well with the entire plot of the series as a whole, and expands the Star Wars mileau to greater depth.

CGI and enemy AI are more than sufficient for my taste. The highlight of the entire game for me has to be *SPOILER* dragging down an entire Imperial Star Destroyer with your bare hands (and the power of the Force). *SPOILER END* To me, that truly describes the awesomeness of the game.

I swear, if i have the time, i'm getting this for the Wii. And i'm gonna play it to death before I leave this damn bloody hot country for cooler pastures.

Mmmmmmm.

The Dark Side calls.

Aaaaaaand......

Those were the days...

Roundround getaround I get around

Whew. The end of the year draws closer and closer with every breath I take. And there much more to be done...

The semester's gone by in a rush, and frankly, I'm not looking forward to it ending. It's not that I haven't learnt anything, which for that i'm rather amazed. Somethings actually seem to have crept into my lulling mind as i waltzed the semester away. But there's yet so much more to do!

Rapidly pacing up and down Orchard earlier today, I remembered the thrill I get from having a goal. Short, as it may be, but a goal nonetheless. Just having the urge to push yourself to get things done - That's my ambrosia. My sweet nectar. The thrill of the chase.

For me it seems to have been a semester of recovery, from emotional trauma, and refocusing my life on my fundamentals. I'm still looking for my fundamentals, and I think I might yet be a step closer to getting to know what I'm really about. 

And of course along comes the occasional revelation. "It takes two hands to clap", that's one. "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink", that's another. "It's not the triumph, it's the struggle." I learnt a lot from struggling. 

And the one phrase that sums up my first half of my year -

"When you're heart's on fire, you must realise smoke gets in your eyes."

Pleasant Sundays

I must say a highlight of every weekend is giving tuition.

It's actually quite fun to teach, especially when you have students like these:

Hint - The one on the right is actually more attentive and hardworking.

And who says there's no such thing as a free lunch?

Awesome lunches. Hah.

Touched.

Well I wasn't expecting this much accord on my birthday. Looks like people are more thoughtful than I thought.

A big shout out to all the homies that wished me happy birthday. I'm sincerely touched.

And especially to the barista's at Starbucks Tanglin Mall. To Niq who gave me a free up-size for my coffee frappucino, and who masterminded the free cake. Guys, I know im a regular, but this was beyond the call of duty. I really appreciate it.

And to top it all up, I'm like more or less done attempting the tutorials for tomorrow! No midnight oil burning for me ya... Get some nice beauty sleep and carpool tomorrow, 6.30am.

It was a good day. :)

Pretty in Pink

Daddy's flown across the ocean
Leaving just a memory
Snapshot in the family album
Daddy what else did you leave for me?
Daddy, what'd'ja leave behind for me?!?
All in all it was just a brick in the wall.
All in all it was all just bricks in the wall.

When we grew up and went to school
There were certain teachers who would
Hurt the children in any way they could

By pouring their derision
Upon anything we did
And exposing every weakness
However carefully hidden by the kids
But in the town, it was well known
When they got home at night, their fat and
Psychopathic wives would thrash them
Within inches of their lives.

We don't need no education
We dont need no thought control
No dark sarcasm in the classroom
Teachers leave them kids alone
Hey! Teachers! Leave them kids alone!
All in all it's just another brick in the wall.
All in all you're just another brick in the wall.

We don't need no education
We dont need no thought control
No dark sarcasm in the classroom
Teachers leave them kids alone
Hey! Teachers! Leave them kids alone!
All in all it's just another brick in the wall.
All in all you're just another brick in the wall.

Split Personality.