Just shoot me and get it over and done with.

I do enjoy spending time with you, i do.

But god, this is driving me insane. Maybe im horrible at reading signals. Maybe im thinking things are there when they aren't. But i know one thing. It drives me crazy to see you there, just within reach, but untouchable. Friends. Yes. More? It drives me nuts. I've been spending quite some time with you. God knows, i enjoy it. But from there, what? stay at this stage? I don't know. Move on? I don't know. You're willing to spend time with me. Yes. We can talk. Yes. But what is this nagging feeling of doubt that plagues me as i go? Am i not good enough? Am i perhaps too tall/dark/fat/kentang/boring? I always hoped you enjoyed our time together as much as i did. Even as friends. Because god knows, i want to make you happy. I want to see the smile thats in your eyes light up your face, like a candle in deep darkness. I want to talk to you when you're down, and cheer you up. I want to hold your hand, and feel the warmth of your hand touching mine, locked in a requited clasp. I want to put my arm around your shoulder and stroke your lovely long hair. I want to be the only person that you will ever need.

I want to hold you in my arms, look deep into your eyes, and tell you that i love you.

But this is a cruel world, and we do not always get what we want.

Important decisions...

Who to vote for? Taylor Hicks or Kathryn?(i think its spelled that way)

But man, does she sound great in "Somewhere over the rainbow"...

Anyway more importantly, i got to work on my finances. In order to have enough money to last me to uni (not even saying THROUGH), i got to scrimp and save every cent i have. Daily spending down, until BKK trip. Damn...

Lost in thought?

I hate people who suddenly leave off a conversation. Its like they're there for a while... then suddenly you get the impression you're talking to a wall.

Lost-

Hmm. not such a good beginning to a week.

Dropped my phone in the middle of a 4 lane carriageway. Feels kind of silly. Or sad. Perhaps it might be tragic... Its not that it wants to be lost. But somehow, the loss feels...... Well, preordained. Its not the first phone i've lost. At least i don't lose it often.

Tragedy struck. I walked back, pacing myself to the point of loss. The phone was nowhere to be found. The surface of the metalled roads leading to suntec were flat and even. Nowhere in sight was the little black package that heralded my audio package. My heart fell. It was gone for good.

I imagine the crunch as tires ram over the poor defenceless thing.

Adieu. Its been a good two years. May you reach the gates of the great charging slot in the sky peacefully.

Mixed Musings

To my friends that went on a half-assed trip through half of south-east asia... welcome home. Its great to be back isnt it?

I marvel at the kind of people who can just drop everything and pack up and go, without a clear goal in sight. It takes a remarkable leap of faith to go without a complete idea of the destination. Life itself can be taken that way- I mean, we all end up in a coffin, but how are we going to get there? Thats the beauty of life.

Well,its not like i don't regret going with you. I've had a good time in Singapore the past few weeks. Working life isn't that much of a drag when you have hilarious colleagues, as well as work thats varied. (im not going to say interesting because mostly it isn't.) But hey, theres always that part of me that regrets not going with you all... Well, we're young, there's always other times.

The drama of Singapore politics...... I mean, seriously, this time its total bull crap. Politics shouldn't be about carrots and sticks. It should be about idealogies and plans. Going into the fray with half-assed plans about using national reserves to subsidise spending is not going to cut the cheese. Eventually you realise that these are short term solutions that do not work at the cause of the problem, but instead work on alleviating the effects. I praise the one-party system. It has brought us far, and i hope it will bring us further. LKY, GCK and LHL, do your best. You have brought us far. We trust you to bring us further. Not that im lambasting the opposition. Some are serious people who know what they are doing. Kudos to the AMK Suicide Six. It takes guts to bring you there. The people appreciate you. But not to say that all the people are intelligent. A friend wrote- Do not vote opposition for the sake of opposing. USE YOUR DAMN BRAINS. While they are noble and good, their ideals cant hold water for nuts.

i still take the stand that G* is an idiot. If you're wrong, admit it. Your actions and words are too glib to be true. And leaving the country one day after the election? I see. Oooh it looks so coincidental...... What if you had won? Or if it didn't happen? Would you still be flying?

More to come...

Deus Ex Machina

MTHRFCKNG ISPs...... Someday when the internet is truely free, all of you will burn in hell for the SIN of charging access for the internet...... SOMEDAY!!!!!

-Flashback-

System Log
Accesing Internet...
...
INTERNET EXPLORER ENABLED.
www.securitybulletin.net- Your computer is infected! go to this www.randomsecuritysoftwaresite.com to download updates on windows and upgrade your security software!
...
..
.(Something seems suspicious.)
..
...
FIREFOX ENABLED.
www.yahoo.com
SEARCH- www.securitybulletin.net
Search Results-> 1-10 out of 756
1. WWW.SECURITYBULLETIN.NET - Your computer has been infected by the Smitfraud.Worm. Please follow the following instructions to clean......
......
.....
....
...(Oh yeah? HiJack THIS!)
....
.....
......
HIJACK THIS ENABLED.
MODIFYING SYSTEM REGISTRY...
DELETING ALL NON RECOGNISABLE REGISTRY ENTRIES...
DONE.

NET CONNECTION ERROR. WILL YOU RESTART YOUR CONNECTION?
Y/N
...
Y.
CONNECTION RESTARTED...
FAILED TO AUTHENTICATE.
RETRY, ABORT, FAIL?
......
.....
....
...
..
.
..
...
....
.....
......
ENTER PANIC MODE.
FAULT DETECTED- BILL HAS NOT BEEN PAID <---- (CURSES YOU ISP SCUM!!!)
STARTING SELF-REPAIRING PROCEDURES...
DONE.
(Break)

And after numerous tries, i finally managed to get the connection back on. Apparently some of the suspicious registry entries were essential for my net connection to work. damn......
Well anyway, im back. after 2 days of non-surfing. And man i miss it...

To Do-

Read-
Paradise Lost, Joh Milton
That damn book by Dante about hell i cant remember its name

To buy-
Sandman Series
Lucifer Series

Aaaaargh.... knowledge is power.... and i feel stupid.

Satisfaction

Satisfaction is leaving knowing you've done all you can.
Or finishing a mammoth task unexpectedly ahead of schedule.

Or it can be reading a great book.
Or having good friends.

Or even,
gettig excel to work for you. haha.

I want to watch Mirrormask!

Learning

THAT is the core of living. Of course it is only my opinion. But i will keep my opinion to myself, you all go get your own.

There is distinct pleasure in learning new things everyday, especially if these are skills that will come in handy in the future, or are skills that you have wanted to learn for a long time.

Excel programming has become not so bad... using formulas and autosums... and to master the dreaded pivot table... hey not so fast, but it will come soon.
Am still at work, but should be leaving soon. Anyway, i think its easier to write immediately after work, where theres a lag time before things start happening again. My nights are taken up by Family Guy and That 70s Show anyway.

Blackman returns

It seems an age and a half since i last posted. I had decided to give up blogging continuously as it seemed quite a.... well, its not quite what i want to do ya.

But hey, blogging has its perks and associated problems too. Its practically an open journal. What to do with it doesnt stem from the medium. Rather, it is the artist who expresses himself that taints the medium and gives it a bad (or good) name.

But im getting off the point.

Over the last few weeks.....
1. Saw a friend getting married.
2. Chained a friend to a lamppost on his birthday. (Different friend.)
3. Went looking for a job.
4. Found a job. w0000t. Thank you you dirty hor.
5. Unearthed a cache of 70s and 80s music. THANK YOU GOD...
6. Continued on my viewing of 70s show and Family Guy
7. Read Lucifer. Fantastic books. It is a must read.
8. Picked up the Sandman Companion at the library, and decided that Sandman ought to be elevated to literature status.
9. Parking at the army market is a bitch.
10. Its better to be blackie than "sweet chocolate coated banana." Eeeeeew.

Warm fuzzy feeling...

Written by Scott Adams, on the DilbertBlog

Winning

Recently there was a tennis tournament in Indian Wells. It’s one of the biggest tournaments not counting the four “Grand Slam” events. Because tennis is an individual sport, there are always great stories within the game. This year’s biggest story was James Blake’s comeback.

If you don’t follow the game, let me give you some background. Blake is the son of an African-American dad and an English mom. He was raised in Connecticut and had to wear a back brace for years when he was a kid. He took up tennis, excelled, and went to Harvard for two years before going pro. He looked promising, along with a number of other young Americans, but not top 10 material. He was most noted for his sex appeal and great personality.

I became a fan after watching him play Lleyton Hewitt a few years ago. After some calls that went against Hewitt, the Aussie singled out an African-American linesperson and complained to the chair umpire. Hewitt used a poor choice of words that led observers to think he was complaining of racial favoritism. Hewitt says he didn’t mean it that way, but nonetheless it became the story. And the media tried hard to get Blake to bite. They wanted him to complain about racism, maybe get a little mad about it. That’s good TV. But Blake didn’t take the bait. He politely pointed out that people say things in the heat of the moment, and whatever Hewitt said was Hewitt’s problem, not his. It seemed to me the perfect response. Sometimes trivializing is the best strategy.

Blake’s ranking bobbed up and down, peaking at 22 in the world. He shaved his dreadlocks and gave up his sex symbol image along with millions in potential endorsements. (I’m guessing his hair was prematurely thinning.) Then in 2004 he had the year from Hell. He ran into a tennis net post and broke his neck. Then he got a shingles virus in his face that paralyzed it on one side. Then his dad died.

There was some doubt that Blake would ever play tennis again. He watched the major tournaments from his couch and wondered about his future. In time, his body recovered, and he felt that he had been given a second chance. He grabbed it by the neck.

I don’t know what kind of training he did, but oh-my-god. I watched him play in person during the first week of the Indian Wells tournament and thought it couldn’t be the same guy. There was ferocity to his strokes. He wasn’t just hitting the ball, he was punishing it. His court speed was breathtaking. His shot selection was brilliant. His backhand, previously a weakness, had become a rocket.

You only needed to listen to the court sounds to know that Blake was heading deep into the tournament. When a tennis racket strikes a ball perfectly, it creates a sound wave that spectators can feel in their entire bodies. If you play tennis yourself, you can practically close your eyes and know who is winning.

Blake blasted through the field of world-class tennis players and found himself in an unlikely semi-final with a Spanish force of nature named Rafael Nadal. Nadal is the #2 player in the world. He hits with brutal topspin. It’s a relentless attack that less than a handful of elite players have been able to withstand in the past year.

Nadal brought his best, but Blake blew past with a combination of game and gamesmanship that surprised almost everyone, not the least Nadal himself.

Now it was time for the championship match against Roger Federer, the best player in the world. Correction – make that the best tennis player who has ever lived. That’s not just my opinion. He already has seven Grand Slam wins. If he stays healthy, many people expect him to hold every important record in tennis.

Against all odds, Blake blazed to a 4-1 first set advantage against the all-time greatest player on earth. It seemed as though nothing could stop him.

And then something happened. The momentum shifted. The rest of the match was all Federer. Blake seemed to fade away, settling for runner-up, but his effort that week was enough to put him in the top ten in the world.

At the trophy ceremony, Blake spoke to the crowd. He said that in 2004, when he was in the hospital with a broken neck, only one tennis player sent him a note to wish him well. It was Roger Federer.

I wanted Blake to win that match, yet somehow, by losing he found perfection.

Dulce Et Decorum Est Pro Patria Mori

Bent double, like old beggars under sacks,

Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge,
Till on the haunting flares we turned our backs
And towards our distant rest began to trudge.
Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots
But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame; all blind;
Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots
Of tired, outstripped Five-Nines that dropped behind.

Gas! Gas! Quick, boys! – An ecstasy of fumbling,
Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time;
But someone still was yelling out and stumbling,
And flound'ring like a man in fire or lime . . .
Dim, through the misty panes and thick green light,
As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.
In all my dreams, before my helpless sight,
He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.

If in some smothering dreams you too could pace
Behind the wagon that we flung him in,
And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
His hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin;
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,
Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To children ardent for some desperate glory,
The old Lie: Dulce et Decorum est
Pro patria mori.

hmmm.

Your Birthdate: August 25

You excel at anything difficult or high tech. In other words, you're a total (brilliant) geek. It's difficult for you to find people worth spending time with. Which is probably why you'll take over the world with your evil robots! Your strength: Your unfailing logic Your weakness: Loving machines more than people Your power color: Tan Your power symbol: Pi Your power month: July

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Its harder than i thought...

Painful. But fun.

Its amazing how people can make things seem and sound so easy. We hit Batam at about 10, checked into the hotel, then headed for the cable-ski place. Apparantly there was a storm that tore down a small hut earlier this week, so they were doing some cleaning up. We were then taught how to use a kneeboard... which you get on by kneeling and strapping your thighs on. Naturally, me being the sucker i am, i decided to try going first.

Now before i go on, let me describe the cable ski setup. There's a circular cable above that services a series of clamps that pull ropes which cable-skiiers hang on to to get their kick. This is continuously moving at somewhere between jogging and sprinting speed. Doesnt seem fast? Ya thats what we thought.

So, the instructor said, keep your hands to your side, tuck in, clench the muscles for a few seconds while the rope takes in the slack and pulls... and suddenly WHUMPH im face flat in the water. Hmmm. Well he did say that people will fail to do it most of the time. Grrr..... Try again. The laughter was short lived as we all took turns to eat water. I guess the initial embarassment of falling in the water over and over faded quite quickly. Until Edgar managed to get the hang of it... Then we all quickly learned from him. Apparently the initial starting position involves pulling your hands near the tip of the board, much like the posture of a sycophant lying prone in prayer... haha i guess thats what happens when we pray to stay on the board... Eventually we managed to finish the two rounds, turnings and all...

Then once we had our appetite for water whetted on the knee boards, we were shown the real wakeboards... And once again, we all ate water. On the bright side, i managed to be the first one to complete a full round on the wakeboard... haha im guessing its from the experience skateboarding... the heels and toes to turn thing. The feeling of standing on a wakeboard is just so... liberating. The sun in the sky, the wind in your hair, and the feeling that if you let go you are so, so, soooo fucked. Ed had to give up cos his injury was acting up... While Zhongwei and Jack just kept trying... We broke for lunch, which was fried rice with egg and chicken. At that point of time, anything would have looked good. Horror of horrors, while we were eating, we noticed our hands shaking... haha funny. After lunch i gave it a couple more tries, but eventually decided to break as my hands were too pumped to hold the handle properly... and i was aching in a couple of other places too. Took the opportunity to video Zhongwei and Jack and their attempts to master the wakeboard... and their successful tries. Nice one guys!

Headed back to the hotel after that exhauting yet thrilling session. Had dinner at a nice seafood restaurant near the ferry terminal, within the ghost town of waterfront city. Headed back for a few games of bridge (which never seemed so fun before) and then for a little while sat at the bar. Reacquainted myself with the taste of tequila, and remembered why i never took liquor straight up.

Woke up the next day unable to sit up in bed. Yes it was that bad. I guess it took me a very vigorous activity to realise how screwed up my body had become. I recommend a gym session or two before starting on wakeboarding or any similar activity... As of now the aches are still here. Neck, shoulders, stomach, back, and even my ass aches. Aaaargh..... sick shit. But hey, it was fun. Painful but fun.

Frankly theres nothing to Batam... looks like johor or any malaysian state... i wonder whats all the hype about. We drifted around a couple of malls before deciding to head back to the ferry terminal to change our tickets to an earlier timing... The only good thing that happened on the second day was that we found an A&Ws restaurant, and brunched there. Hoo.... the food was good man! So hard to find a nice root beer float nowadays... Went to an arcade,and i indulged myself in an Air Hockey challenge.... haha. Fun, Fun, Fun...

Overall the trip was not bad. Although i would spend less time in Batam city and more on wakeboarding and chilling out in the hotel. Will be going again, definitely. When? God knows.

Cleanup

Sometimes you don't realise how bad things become until it slaps you in the face...

I was happily reading Friday by Robert A. Heinlein, when i noted a certain aura near my shoulder... Then i saw it. A huge freakin COCKROACH standing calmly at my elbow area, testing the air of the table with its long feelers. Its not a normal cockroach i tell you. Its FRICKIN huge.

Needless to say i flipped. i completely flipped. My table is my sanctum, my last refuge from the utter inanity of doing my work on the floor. I chased the cockroach until it disappeared from sight. And then began to wonder. How on earth did that cockroach get onto the table??? Its practically the cockroach version of scaling Everest. Ok, at least Kinabalu. Ok... maybe bukit timah. But thats not the point. I realise my table had, in the one month since CNY, had grown enough cover and concealment to hide a platoon of cockroaches somewhere inside.

It was time for some good old-fashioned ritual cleansing... And this time im gonna get my army stuff out of the way too... Im way overdue for my CCC (Civilian Conversion Course)... And its time i caught up.

That was 8. 3 hours later, i've cleaned out my army stuff but my table still remains a paper jungle. Nothing a little fire and clearance wont help... BURN baby BURN.... muahaha.